I was lying in bed yesterday, feeling really bad about myself. It’s a common thing for me. Which made me think, how about I do exactly what I don’t feel like doing right now, and show what I want to hide. So I reached for my phone.
The Breast tease video (NSFW 18+ for nudity) I just uploaded on Vimeo (censored 3 months later and now on Pornhub) was the first one I made. When I lost weight in the last two years, my breasts went from dense gravity-proof ones to very malleable moveable ones with a bit too much skin for their size. That was very hard for me, to reclaim a youthful body after a decade of being overweight yet feeling like my perky breasts were the price to pay for it. Like a can’t have everything at once sort of punishment. The pain of grieving my old (young) breasts made me feel petty and superficial but it was real nonetheless. And ever since, I’ve felt very self-conscious with the way they now fall to the side when I lie down. So I decided, let’s figure out a way to turn exactly that which bothers me into something sexy. I really liked the resulting video and the resulting quiet joy that overcame me after making it. I guess that’s what I mean by I do these videos for my own healing. They transform my feelings about myself like nothing else, it’s really kinda magical.
That was inspiring enough to keep going. I made a few more videos, touching my breasts naked, showing my face which I’m still so freaked out about. The process made me feel so good that at some point I realized I was very aroused. So I started a new video and didn’t stop until I was done riding what turned out to be a freaking great orgasm. That’s how it happens. I’ll be filming myself not intending to go further but then I get so turned on and that’s what gives me the bravery to make myself cum on camera.
Now today, I don’t know why but my feelings swung back to bad. Sadly that’s also a usual thing. All day I felt like I shouldn’t share the videos, they’re not good enough, I should remake them, they’re not interesting, no one wants to see them… So tonight when my mood cleared up a little (thank you darkness), I made myself sit down and watch them again. As soon as I finished watching the first one, I uploaded it. That’s also how that happens. It’s almost like a dare with myself, a ready or not let’s just do it and deal with the consequences later. I seem to always be happy that I did afterwards.
Now the other three videos I haven’t uploaded yet. I’m still struggling with whether they are good or not. I think I have to make a decision about this project. Do I want to share only the work that I deem to be worthy or do I want to show the whole process and not be afraid of what anyone might or might not think of it. At the end of the day, I know I want to tell the truth. So wouldn’t withholding videos become lying by omission?