On yeses and noes 

I think one of the most important thing to learn in life is consent. Learn to consent for yourself and learn to respect others consent. In the context of sexual interactions and every other contexts too.

The most important thing I have learned about consent is that, if you can’t say no, you’re never really saying yes.

This is so important to me. I believe that not understanding this is at the source of a lot of ills. I was shut down for a long time because I didn’t trust that my no was going to be respected, so I couldn’t say yes anymore. By learning to say no and by being in circumstances were my no was an accepted limit, I became able to say yes to what I want again. I mean, it’s still a process, but everyday I’m getting better at it.

Sexually speaking, I think it’s pretty clear that if women don’t feel safe, they’re not going to be able to let their desires flourish. So if we want women to say yes to being sexual, we have to create a context where they feel they can always say no. Because (it bears repeating), you’re not saying yes if you can’t say no.

2 thoughts on “On yeses and noes 

  1. Hi Rain,
    I think it is very courageous of you to talk about sexual abuse. It’s a subject that most people avoid and hope that by not talking about it it might just go away or never have happened. Like the famous tree in the forest. But unfortunately it does happen and it happens all the time. So it’s good to see someone like you speak out on a public forum like this one.
    The sad thing is that the more people act like it is wrong to bring up this subject the more the people who suffer from sexual abuse feel like they are doing something wrong if they do. So even though they were the victims they get made feel like perpetrators.
    I think sexual abuse should be talked about more and it should be a subject that gets discussed at home, in schools, on tv, in the internet, in political debates etc.
    Knowledge is power. How are we supposed to have knowledge of something if the thing never even gets brought up? How are we supposed to be empowered if we don’t even know what we are dealing with?
    The more we talk about it the more normal and less shameful it becomes to do so. The more we talk about it the more children and young adults will know about it and maybe it’ll help them find the courage to let someone else know when it happened to them or even speak out against it while it happens.
    I myself was sexually abused as a young adult and felt ashamed for years. I felt ashamed because I didn’t have the tools to prevent this from happening and blamed myself for not being able to say no.
    ‘if you can’t say no, you’re never really saying yes.’ I was in a situation where saying ‘no’ seemed like an impossibility. I wish I would have had known about this kind of stuff back than. Maybe it would have played out differently.
    It is amazing what you are doing with all this though. You are taking it yet a step further from just talking about it. By putting yourself out there and exposing yourself literally on the internet – you are reclaiming your own body and giving the word ‘yes’ a whole new meaning. By healing yourself you are helping others heal themselves. By putting yourself out there with an affirmative ‘yes’ you give others permission to feel and be sexual. And the more we realize that being sexual is not a bad thing the less we feel the need to hide it. We can drag it out from the shadows into the light where it can grow and flourish and enrich our lives and make us whole.
    I know that might sound a little too optimistic but you inspire me. Thanks for your honest work. I am looking forward to more.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Georg,
    Thank you so much for writing such an amazing comment! I am extremely touched by your words and I think you are so courageous for sharing your experience here. I’m very happy for you that you are able to speak about what happened to you in such a thoughtful way and that you have broken through the cycle of shame. You are very inspiring and I am deeply honored by your compliments on my work. You are reflecting my intentions beautifully in writing that “by putting yourself out there with an affirmative ‘yes’ you give others permission to feel and be sexual”. Thank you so so much for being a part of this project and I wish you peace and healing and lots of sex-positive experiences!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s