On responding 

I love getting messages and comments. They give me such a delicious rush. But I actually struggle with responding to them. I just woke up in the middle of the night again, wondering why…

I think it’s because responding means accepting the compliment. And that feels scary because it implies that I agree. That’s where the resistance comes from.

I long to be told that what I do is good. I long to be told that what I am is good. I crave every single compliment in the world. To be told that I am beautiful, that I am smart, that I matter, that I make a difference. But as soon as someone offers one to me, I actually stop it from coming in. There’s a psychological mechanism at play that says, you shall not pass.

I guess that’s where the craving comes from. Of course I want more of what I’m not allowing in. It’s like receiving food and not eating it, then wishing for more food cause you’re still so damn hungry.

Someone asked me in a message if I have trouble letting myself be loved. My immediate response was no of course not. But I’ve been thinking about it and the real answer is more like of course yes.

I may wish to perceive myself more positively but to change it feels riskier than to stick to what I’m used to. It’s easier not to challenge the guilt that being good brings up. The fear that I might think of myself as better than others. The even worse fear that others might think that I think of myself as better than them. Remaining insecure about myself saves me from these fears. But remaining insecure also means that I remain hungry.

I have to learn to eat the food. To let the compliment in. To accept a positive conception of myself. To receive gracefully and gratefully. Because my starving doesn’t help anyone. It actually does a disservice to everyone.

We learn from each other how to behave. By keeping myself safe in the comfort zone of not loving myself, I am teaching others to do the same. I am perpetuating the cycle.

I want another cycle. I want to love myself. So that you can love yourself. So that you can love me. So that I can love you.

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12 thoughts on “On responding 

  1. The nature of this post means I’m not expecting a comment back lol. But I feel it too with my own work. I have massive self doubt about both my writing and especially photography compared to so many others. But I have to remember that when a total stranger says WOW…they mean it. And over time I have learned to accept it. I’m sure you will too 😄

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    1. Comparing myself to others always takes all the wind out of my sails. I’ve come to see it as a tool of the domination-competition model and I’m trying very hard to quit it. But it’s crazy how it’s a reflex that pops up all the freaking time!! So I completely understand what you’re saying 🙂 Ialso agree with what you, sharing publicly is a great exercise in learning to trust others. The acceptance part still comes and go.. Maybe it’s a muscle that needs to be kept fit!

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      1. Oooh I like how you said that! A muscle that has to be kept fit. I recently decided to use the framework of a 4 part series I wrote as the genesis of a book. That has long been my number one goal and I have decided to make it a reality. So I’ll rely on my blogging network to help me! One thing though-we are all unique in what we bring. It sounds cliched but it is really true. We both bring ourselves out in different ways. I admire your work, and it is wholly you! 😄

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      2. This is great, thank you for expressing your desire here. I wholeheartedly support and encourage you in your project! And thank you for the comment on uniqueness. So true and so important! I believe we can all heal the world by healing ourselves to be our true unique selves!

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      3. Rain-thank you. Your support and encouragement means a lot. Its only been a short time we have known each other but I appreciate the conversations with you. I always like finding the common things we share even though our paths are different. Your work is amazing and I’m glad we can encourage each other

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  2. To me, as a European watching American behaviour, it is a miracle you dare venture on the road you are. I much enjoyed watching your videos, as they are friendly. Much more so than most. In a way they remind me of the experimental film by Lutz Mommartz from 1968 (you can find it here http://www.moma.org/collection/works/122025?locale=en
    if you don;t know it.
    From my point of view, the puritan American will never accept your work as being art. And they will have a hard time enjoying it. So all I can say is I hope you find a way to continue your expressions. And yes, I am also glad you started writing this blog. I quite enjoy it!

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    1. Thank you very much for commenting! I didn’t know Mommartz, thanks for the reference (I can’t seem to be able see the film online though). I am glad you’re enjoying my blog and videos. I think the whole world is in the process of transforming its relationship to sex and women. I am very grateful to be in a position to explore this subject so openly and to have such reach through the Internet. I think this is how things can change. And I’m hopeful!

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      1. This linked worked, thank you. It’s an interesting piece, I appreciated the effect of her staring straight into the camera. And thank you for the encouragement, though being also the person in front of the camera, I wonder if anyone would ever let me be a professor! : )

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  3. On the website the link is connected to, a lot of the work that made him professor dan be viewed. But besides that, You van be anything You really want to. You made your start already. You are an artist now! You are not merely the actor.

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