I love getting messages and comments. They give me such a delicious rush. But I actually struggle with responding to them. I just woke up in the middle of the night again, wondering why…
I think it’s because responding means accepting the compliment. And that feels scary because it implies that I agree. That’s where the resistance comes from.
I long to be told that what I do is good. I long to be told that what I am is good. I crave every single compliment in the world. To be told that I am beautiful, that I am smart, that I matter, that I make a difference. But as soon as someone offers one to me, I actually stop it from coming in. There’s a psychological mechanism at play that says, you shall not pass.
I guess that’s where the craving comes from. Of course I want more of what I’m not allowing in. It’s like receiving food and not eating it, then wishing for more food cause you’re still so damn hungry.
Someone asked me in a message if I have trouble letting myself be loved. My immediate response was no of course not. But I’ve been thinking about it and the real answer is more like of course yes.
I may wish to perceive myself more positively but to change it feels riskier than to stick to what I’m used to. It’s easier not to challenge the guilt that being good brings up. The fear that I might think of myself as better than others. The even worse fear that others might think that I think of myself as better than them. Remaining insecure about myself saves me from these fears. But remaining insecure also means that I remain hungry.
I have to learn to eat the food. To let the compliment in. To accept a positive conception of myself. To receive gracefully and gratefully. Because my starving doesn’t help anyone. It actually does a disservice to everyone.
We learn from each other how to behave. By keeping myself safe in the comfort zone of not loving myself, I am teaching others to do the same. I am perpetuating the cycle.
I want another cycle. I want to love myself. So that you can love yourself. So that you can love me. So that I can love you.