On disappearing

All my life, I have disappeared on people. Not doing well, retrieving, not knowing how to come back. Disappearing on myself, not being able to stay present, stay connected. Letting distance take hold, not keeping in touch. Hiding. Ghosting. A profound inability to deal.

I feel terribly guilty for my social shortcomings failings inconsistencies. I can totally live with myself as being bad in math. But this, this goes to a core that feels essential. It makes me feel like I’m not a good human being. So it’s a vicious cycle. Disappear, feel bad, stay hidden, feel worse.

I’m really working on it though. And it is getting better. The more I find my truth, the more I show up. As myself. For myself and for others.

I didn’t think this project was also going to be about this. I guess I didn’t think this project was also going to be about others. But it is, and I’m so grateful.

Thank you to everyone that watches my videos.

Thank you to everyone that reads my words.

Thank you to everyone that interacts, comments and messages.

Thank you to the technologies that allow me to share in such open ways.

Thank you to me for keeping coming back.

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10 thoughts on “On disappearing

  1. Your thank you is very kind. I’m also appreciative of the nod to technology for there is no way I would be sustained doing what I do without it. I lost track of so many friends over the years but I’m so appreciative of this community. Including you 😄

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  2. On the negative side, technology also brings a lot of inflation. Where in the past a photo of film was a labourious product requiring skill, any smart phone produces fabulous results and immense quantities of film and photo. Todays hype is tomorrows memory. So the intrinsic quality must be so much higher. Your opportunity. Your Challenge…

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    1. Very well observed, the opportunity is indeed the challenge. I may be just justifying it to myself this way, but I think how I say my art is part of what I’m saying. What I make is not fueled by advertisement money, it really is just me and my phone, and exactly that is how I’m able to explore what is truthful to me.

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  3. Of course you disappear. Although you need to be seen, a part of you insists that you are invisible.
    Somewhere between childhood and puberty you learned that its not safe to be visible. You mentioned that you have not been sexually abused but that your mother was and also other members of your extended family and that the abuser was “still around when I was growing up”. Sometimes a child who is highly sensitive, as you are (it would be no surprise if you were either the second eldest or the youngest) unknowingly absorbs the darkness in a family and with it the fear and shame that poisons all true sense of self. To escape the child retreats into a fantasy world which opens like a flower to her imagination. But with a price: “not being able to stay present, stay connected,” confusion, “feeling like a fraud” suicidal ideation etc, etc. Throughout your blog are references to this splitting – to traumatic disassociation in childhood. But then, you have intelligence and curiosity to know this already. Your intelligence was never an issue (if you were “bad at math” it was out of indifference – no payback) you are smart. However, being a free creative spirit is a different matter. And this, I suspect, is what you are doing with your blog and video’s – finding a way to be spiritually free. To be visible to yourself.
    In dreams, the clue to interpretation is often in seemingly insignificant details. Among your videos is one entitled “Tree Caresses” – a blissful contemplation of being. “The wind in the trees, is talking in tongues” as the recently departed Leonard Cohen also observed.
    All your videos, I believe, are an expression of being. And you are a beautiful, sensual, clever, vulnerable human being…. who could not love you?

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    1. This is so incredibly insightful and resonates very deeply. You’ve picked up on all the right cues to put together this portrait of me. Clearly you’re also very well informed and have a natural understanding of these matters. And then there’s the beauty of the way you express yourself… Thank you so very much for allowing me to see myself through your eyes. I find myself soothed and inspired by your words. Thank you.

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    2. And thank you for juxtaposing this beautiful quote to Tree Caresses. Leonard Cohen’s spirit has always been inspiring to me. I love the way you say that my videos are expressions of being. I used to think that the important part in life was doing things, but now I see that being is the real challenge and the real prize.

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