On Hiding to Cry

When I was a child, I used to hide to cry. There are details in my personal story that explain why, but it’s also a pretty universal thing. We hide when we are hurting. We hide to lick our wounds. We hide to not impose, upset, shock, appear weak. We hide so we can let go.

I’m as fascinated with my crying as I am with my orgasms. And the tears seem like an even more truthful measure as I don’t know how to induce them. (The orgasms on the other hand… but that’s a different story for a different time.)

When I wasn’t doing well, I would cry all the time. Supermarket aisles. Waking up. Sidewalks. Cooking. I guess making up for all the times I had suppressed tears before. And then there was the wailing. Scary as hell breakdowns where I sounded like a wild animal. I haven’t had those in a long time. I figure I cleaned up most of the corpses and soothed most of the demons. I only wish I had recorded it, the sound of my exorcist sessions. Maybe that’s morbid or something. It’s just that I’ve never expressed anything as powerfully.

After receiving the Weebly removal notice, I realized something had been triggered. Of course I was upset about the loss of what I thought was a solution. But this other pain was too sharp to be only about that. That’s how I usually know, the sharpness. Uh-oh, here comes the past. Run if you have to, face it if you can.

It’s not ok to be you. It’s wrong to be you. It’s dangerous to be you. You can’t be you. We don’t want you to be you. You need to stop being you, or we’ll make it stop for you.

There’s a special taste to negating yourself. To denying your self. At first it’s horribly acrid. Then it’s like swallowing darts. And at the end, it’s dull flat numbness. You’ve obliterated yourself, there, happy? Now you don’t feel a thing…

This is why I recorded myself. I felt too vulnerable to show my face but I knew I wanted this testimony. Please, here she is, hear her, listen to her. Don’t wanna shut myself up and swallow the pain. Don’t wanna go back into the silence of nothing. Don’t wanna be the inexistence of the tree no one heard.

Hiding To Cry (emotionally explicit)

7 thoughts on “On Hiding to Cry

  1. I took another look on your work so far. And for me personally I think your work is evolving into something that is not dependent on Weebly, Vimeo and the likes. Like the flower, there is so much to do within their limits. The films I like best are supported by the explicit films. Like the flower, where so much more editing and script is visible. With what you have on Vimeo already you can link to explicit bits you cannot show. Find non-explicit ways. And as for crying, I miss the hope at the end. It made me sad. I hope you find your way out!

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    1. I certainly didn’t mean to make you sad. Yes make you feel, but not make you sad. I’m ok btw, the video was from Thursday night. I hesitated to share it but it really is part of the things I want to explore. The honesty of expressing what usually remains behind closed doors. I want to open the door. When I’m in pleasure and also when I’m in pain. I hear your comment about the missing hope. For me, the hope is always there when the emotion is being expressed. It’s the silenced emotions that make me hopeless.

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  2. You touched me deeply with these words here. I won’t crowd your post with my own emotions (thats what my blog is for after all) but something about this notion of hiding and negating yourself that really resonated here. My own response has not been crying, but there are times when these wounds get opened again, and these emotions come flooding out in other ways. And I just want to hide. To forget everyone and anyone I have ever known, to put on some sad music and drink tea and gaze out my window. I am amazed at your way of expressing these emotions and recollections. It may not be in the manner you expected, and it may not be how you ultimately want it to be, but I think you are doing a great job trying.

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    1. Thank you Robert, thank you for hearing me and thank you for listening to yourself. And thank you for sharing so honestly. Yes, the reflex to hide is quite a powerful one. I’m think maybe even sometimes it’s a healthy one. If it is chosen versus induced by a rejection from our tribe.

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      1. Aww, too kind! I just meant I did not want to drift too far from your post with my crap! But yes I agree-hiding can be healthy. It can right my own ship listing to port on a sea of emotion. And when I get there I don’t need a long time to get out of it but I need for it to happen. Thank you 😄

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