On waiting

So I did hear from Vimeo, from someone at entry level a few hours after my inquiry, and then the following day from someone at Trust & Safety. Both only asked about the email address linked to my profile. I responded immediately but heard nothing since.

I fear that the account might have been deleted and be unretrievable. It’s been so many months now. That’s a stick I just want to pick up to beat myself with. How on earth did I let this slide for so long? Now it’s my fault, I’m the one to blame for all the lost messages and comments… (Oh the habit of self bashing, such a hard one to kick.)

But maybe I’m wrong, and maybe they just don’t know how to handle my case. If that’s true though, I wish they would freakin let me know. Something as simple as a “we are reviewing your request, hang tight”. But maybe there’s nothing to review and they really don’t want to have anything to do with me. If that’s the case, then I really wish they would let me know. So that I can grieve and move on. Here my paranoid side is waking up, whispering that maybe their policy is to give the silent treatment to those who have violated the guidelines, because that’s a very effective way to shame them…

Wow, I’m really doing such a bad job at handling this emotionally. (Even the way this sentence is phrased shows how I’m stuck in a negative brain state.) I need to figure my way out of this. Re-empower myself. I do not want to be a victim.

The truth is, I’m very triggered by this situation. I want to explain why but talking about my traumas is not something I’m good at. I’ve worked hard at making peace with them and yet it all still feels so raw, like I can’t even open my lungs enough to breathe deeply right now…

There’s a gigantic context to this, one that would take many posts to describe. It involves my family going through several waves of intense stress, which led to a place of such exhaustion that it turned into temporary insanity. It happens, when adults mean well but are at the end of their ropes, and wrong calls end up being made. It’s what happened to me at 15, when I was misdiagnosed and involuntarily hospitalized. I spent 72 hours in lockdown and then 2 months as an outpatient. I do not have the capacity to tell the whole story at the moment, but I want to free myself by at least saying it out loud. I think it’s because I feel like my actions, and especially my inaction, are very hard to understand. When someone doesn’t make sense to us, we often think “what’s wrong with them?” But really, the more pertinent question is always, “what happened to them?”

A lot of things have happened to me. It still makes me act in ways that seem erratic and incomprehensible. It still makes me act in ways that make me hate myself, because even though I understand why, I wish I was free to act differently. I blame myself for not being there yet. (I know, I’m very hard on myself.)

I have dedicated the last decade of my life to finding my way to being a whole and healthy person. It’s been a slow and painful process, but I have already become more than I ever could have dreamed for when I first started. Oh man, I’m crying again… Well, like I always say, tears is how I know I’m telling the truth. Hopefully this will read as the truth too, and not just as the ramblings of a crazy person. (Yup, this subject makes me incredibly vulnerable…)

To those who are concerned about my well being, please don’t worry, I’m ok. I actually think that sharing my story will help me. So thank you for listening, and thank you for being patient with me.

6 thoughts on “On waiting

  1. After other conversations we have had I no longer worry about you long term. Seems like you are aware of emotions and triggers and how to respond. I suppose its just an inherent response on my part to worry in general.

    Im very sorry to hear about Vimeo. I would love to see those non explicit videos again. They were emotionally compelling and beautiful. Your brief description of the past sadden me, yet I know you are here now, writing and letting it out one word at a time. You astound me with the emotional and visual courage you share. I could go on but I’m at a bit of a weird time myself and don’t want to reveal too much. I lack your forthrightness. Maybe thats why I feel so compelled by your work. Take care of yourself Rain. I hope Vimeo is somehow reviewing it all still

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s very well said Robert, I am indeed here now and letting it out one word at a time. This is another way for me to become visible, to myself and to others. Thank you for interacting, as always it means so much to me. Also, there are weird times that aren’t better served by forthrightness, they need more privacy to complete their process. Whichever type you’re going through right now, I send you friendship and understanding.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your friendship and understanding Rain. Your words mean a great deal to me. Thank you. Its also easy to interact with you. Your thoughts are so well articulated, how could one not!

        Liked by 1 person

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