On late night update 

I got a cold. It feels like my body is burning through something. That may or may not be the case, but I sure wish it to be. I wish for my body to burn through all the fears holding me back, all the hesitations keeping me tottering…

On another note, Vimeo got me back into my account. Except they wiped it completely clean. Plus, I noticed that my main profile page is still not working, so I’m holding off on re-uploading until they tell me they can fix it. At this point though, I have no qualms starting a new account if I need to. Everything I wanted to keep is gone.

Grieving what I lost. I have written about this before, but this is quite the persistent topic isn’t it? Beyond the connections and interactions, the main thing I lost here is continuity. The feeling that I started something and kept it alive. Failing at that reminds me of all the relationships and opportunities I have left to die. The many times I have fallen out of steps and went hiding under my bed instead of figuring out how to get back into the rhythm. I try to convince myself that time underneath my bed is part of my rhythm, but that seems to speak mostly of my guilt about it.

I guess I wanted this experience to be the one that absolves me of previous failings. As if that one new plant could make up for all the others that withered and died under my watch. Hmm, all this dramatic talk is pointing to an even bigger issue here. Life and death, the main deal echoed in the smaller parts. Like freakin fractals again (there’s been a lot of fractals talks in my head lately). Yeah, that would make more sense when measuring the scope of my reaction. Because I’m acting all calm and collected about it, but being truly upset is the real reason it took me 6 months to get over Vimeo kicking me out.

You know what this reminds me of? Radical acceptance. I first heard about that from a great article on Marsha M. Linehan and DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). The idea of radical acceptance, and then later of radical forgiveness, is what helped me get over self-abusive episodes. Because trying to metaphorically beat yourself up over actually beating yourself up just doesn’t work. The only way out is the way through, in accepting that you did this and forgiving yourself for it. But it definitely takes the radical kind for it to work.

Radically accept and forgive yourself, no matter what happens. There’s so much that is not in our control in this world, but that’s one of the thing that actually is. It’s just mighty hard to do. Btw, a synonym and companion to this is love. Loving yourself no matter what happens is definitely one of the most radical thing I can think of. May the love be with you.

4 thoughts on “On late night update 

  1. I’m sorry about Vimeo and hope you feel better. I think everything we do that isn’t a complete carbon copy of the day before is a good thing. I heard of acceptance theory before and find the connections you draw intriguing. I do hope in posting again on Vimeo that it goes better this time. Feel better 😄

    Liked by 1 person

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