On letting it go

It’s not as easy as I thought it would be to follow up my last post. I feel a bit like when you want to say too many things at once and end up saying nothing.

I’m going through something big, and I’m having trouble finding the language to talk about it. It’s turning out to be a long transition, but who’s to say how long anything is supposed to take? Our time measures are mostly constructed, matrixes we impose over processes that really have their own innate logic.

There’s a voice that’s been whispering in my head all summer: I am here to let things go. It’s ok, I can put it all down and nothing will be broken. This obliterating pressure I feel to keep up, it’s optional, it’s a membership I can cancel. I can opt out of constantly feeling bad about myself. Because good and bad is in itself another constructed matrix. I can continue to participate in it blindly, seeking gold stars on my report card, or I can dig deeper, all the way to the place where all humans have an intrinsic immutable value, no matter what they’ve done that’s either good or bad. I can let myself feel everyone’s wholeness, including my own.

It’s an acquired reflex that’s telling me I am failing when I’m not being productive. Where’s my value if I’m not creating anything consumable? Fuck that reflex. I have taken true pride and joy at making and sharing my videos. And I can’t wait for when this outward flow returns. But for now I am involved with an inward flow, which is just as immensely valuable.

It’s kind of a funny thing to say in a blog, but these days I want everything and everyone to leave me the fuck alone. Isn’t that the contradictory thing about being human. Part of me is so isolated and wants so badly to connect and belong and yet another part needs to feel that I have time and space to exist for myself, by myself. It’s not easy to conciliate but I know that my artistic capacity is dependent on both. So I have to find a way to rise beyond the idea that I am better when I publish a post or release a video every x amount of time. I have to believe in my life more than I believe in the life I should be living based on the interferences of every other rationale out there.

I guess it’s pretty easy to see how this all fits in the context of my story. I’m still recovering from the habit of putting other people’s needs before my own. I’m always searching for the feeling that I belong to myself. This is why I end up spending so much time alone, why I am so wary to participate in anything. It explains why being engaged with this project is such an extraordinary success for me. And why Vimeo’s censorship triggered me back into feeling so ashamed and interrupted. Crazy how everything always cycles back around.

At the end of the day, this really is just a call to peel back another layer of the healing that I need for myself. That’s what repetitions are for. Getting confronted with what still seeks resolution.

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11 thoughts on “On letting it go

  1. Once again you have stated things so well that I’m not sure I can (or want) to make some sort of pat on the back comment after saying you want to be left the fuck alone. I get it…sorta. I mean there are days where my fuck off meter is ready to explode, and other days where I can reign it in. Instead, quoting from an old movie, I’ll just say-I’ll see you when I see you. PS…so much respect for your honesty Rain. Be you. Always.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Fuck off meter”… that’s awesome! Yeah well I’m the one stating I want to be left alone in a public post, so clearly I’m the one that’s ambivalent! ; ) And thanks for the honesty and being me remark, that means the world to me.

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      1. Listen, I think part of being an artist is being difficult sometimes. Its not excusable, but it is necessary. I feel it too. But I guess in the year plus I have known you through your posts I just know you mean what you say, but you mean it in the kindest way. So when I tell you that I can’t wait to see whats next I mean that whether it is tomorrow, next week or next year!

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      2. I so agree with you. I think being difficult is underrated, I think that’s a huge part of what stands in the way to unleashing our creativity. And you know what, maybe what’s necessary does not need to be excused.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ah yes, August… If only you could live in harmony with nature and would lie all day in shade, slowly eating the fruits that are falling off the surrounding trees, you probably wouldn’t loathe it as much! ; )

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Let it go. Letting go is a productive action.Your letting go does not mean it is all gone. But change is inevitable.And good. It gives room to opportunities. New challenges but opportunities all the same. And fetch the fruit while it is there. Don’t let it rot. As Robert suggests, I cannot wait but any time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Dean, thanks for checking up on me. I’m actually doing very good, experimenting with new ways of taking care of myself. I’ve been wanting to write a new post for a while now but it seems I’m not ready. It’s like I’m a computer being updated… the new operating system hasn’t quite finished installing yet. But I see the progress bar moving, so at least I know I’m not stuck : )

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