I feel like I keep writing the same post over and over again… Go Sisyphus Go.
I just finished updating my website. All the videos have been reconnected. I cleaned up the phantom leftovers from the original Vimeo account. I linked back all the deleted pieces to their new home on Pornhub. I even got my Tumblr feed back in order.
I choose not to be ashamed of myself.
I choose to reframe failures as experiences.
I choose to accept that I am no better, and no worse, than anyone else.
I can’t even describe how much mental effort it took to do so little actual work. Sharing my videos is the opposite of straightforward. I keep reminding myself that the fact that this is so complicated is exactly why I need to keep doing it. But that does not make it any easier.
If I have harmed or offended anyone by uploading material on Vimeo that was too explicit, then I earnestly apologize. I know why I thought it was ok, and I understand why others did not think it was. I also acknowledge how essential this step was for me. The positive reactions I received opened up an entire world of feeling relevant. The rejection that followed revealed an entire layer of shame that’s asking to be healed.
I want to move on so damn much. I guess it’s taking me as long as it’s going to take to learn the deeper lessons, the ones you can’t even know you’re going to learn while going through the process. Life is like playing in a jungle gym. If you think going up is good and going down is bad, you’re not gonna have fun. It’s moving through it all, ups and downs and sideways, that makes it magic.
Looking at my work again for the first time in months, I am reminded that my art is mine. Sure, it raises a lot of questions. Am I just asking for attention? Am I too much? Am I cheap? Gremlins rolling around my head. But then I sit up straighter, chin up, and allow myself to say, what I do is odd and original and evocative and raw. And worth continuing.
This project is a crazy ride. Going from feeling like I have nothing to offer, to feeling like I have a voice, to feeling like I am doing it all wrong, to making peace with myself, to wanting more again… Tumble tumble, following the white rabbit, not sure of anything… There is no courage without fear, and no trust without surrendering.
Let Light Touch Pine Love