I feel like I keep writing the same post over and over again… Go Sisyphus Go.
I just finished updating my website. All the videos have been reconnected. I cleaned up the phantom leftovers from the original Vimeo account. I linked back all the deleted pieces to their new home on Pornhub. I even got my Tumblr feed back in order.
I choose not to be ashamed of myself.
I choose to reframe failures as experiences.
I choose to accept that I am no better, and no worse, than anyone else.
I can’t even describe how much mental effort it took to do so little actual work. Sharing my videos is the opposite of straightforward. I keep reminding myself that the fact that this is so complicated is exactly why I need to keep doing it. But that does not make it any easier.
If I have harmed or offended anyone by uploading material on Vimeo that was too explicit, then I earnestly apologize. I know why I thought it was ok, and I understand why others did not think it was. I also acknowledge how essential this step was for me. The positive reactions I received opened up an entire world of feeling relevant. The rejection that followed revealed an entire layer of shame that’s asking to be healed.
I want to move on so damn much. I guess it’s taking me as long as it’s going to take to learn the deeper lessons, the ones you can’t even know you’re going to learn while going through the process. Life is like playing in a jungle gym. If you think going up is good and going down is bad, you’re not gonna have fun. It’s moving through it all, ups and downs and sideways, that makes it magic.
Looking at my work again for the first time in months, I am reminded that my art is mine. Sure, it raises a lot of questions. Am I just asking for attention? Am I too much? Am I cheap? Gremlins rolling around my head. But then I sit up straighter, chin up, and allow myself to say, what I do is odd and original and evocative and raw. And worth continuing.
This project is a crazy ride. Going from feeling like I have nothing to offer, to feeling like I have a voice, to feeling like I am doing it all wrong, to making peace with myself, to wanting more again… Tumble tumble, following the white rabbit, not sure of anything… There is no courage without fear, and no trust without surrendering.
Let Light Touch Pine Love (safe for all)
I think part of the reason I have responded to your work is for what you say in your second to last paragraph. I too feel what I do is odd and original. Which is why unlike some fluff piece about a pop star (which I could easily write) and get a million hits on, I prefer grinding it out, sticking with that originality. I am sorry that the struggle to get your stuff out the way you want to has been such a wound but I am glad that you are still thinking about it. That is what creativity and creative people do. Never stopping, despite it all. I read a biography of the sculptor Isamu Noguchi earlier this year. His museum and former studio are literally down the block from my apartment. He was talented and part of a burgeoning NY art movement early in his career, but he was also kind of aimless. Not known for one particular thing. But he got a commission in say the middle of his career when he was probably about 50 to do the UNESCO gardens in Paris I think it was. That is when his stone works and design really took hold and people suddenly ‘got’ him. From then on he was in constant demand, but doing what he loved. I am sure there were still frustrations, but the point was, he seemed to crack that goal, to reach the top of that jungle gym. He didn’t go straight up, but instead went the way you describe-left, right, down, up, back down and to the right, then up eventually. Lets you and I keep playing in that proverbial jungle gym and never stop moving.
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Moving is living! I actually read somewhere that one of the clinical definition of death is the complete absence of movement. Also, I had a thought this morning: your whole life is about you. That’s the freakin point of it. So maybe being on top of the jungle gym feels like success because from there everyone can see you, but maybe success is having the time of your life rolling down the slides. And maybe at the end no one will write your biography, but maybe the actual experience of living your life will have felt like living the most extraordinary biography.
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Definitely! I really like this idea of yours. It makes sense. I am convinced I may never actually see the top professionally, but I’m there in other ways, and I enjoy the trip there 😄
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Good to see your website Alive and kicking. I started by watching Pine Love. Just Looking at the images gives a feeling of touching on the essence of ‘you’. Much as I like your writing, I like this more.
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I like this idea of the essence of me. I like that it can be felt.
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