The gates of hell

Dear friends, past, present and future,

Dear self, past, present and future,

Almost everyday for the past many months, I have tried to write a post that would reconnect the line. Or even just finish a sentence, get a hold on a completed, stable thought. But my mind is bruised and it feels like squinting into too bright sunshine.

I long to explain what happened. Explain it to you. Explain it to me. Where I went, how I felt, why I lost the thread. But I am forced to admit that no such thing is possible at the moment. I just don’t know how.

This story is all I got.

Walking through a clearing I came across a flock of birds.
Watching them I saw that they were my hopes and dreams.
I reached for them but they took flight.
I tried to jump to the sky but was stuck to the ground.
Then something strange happened.
The world flipped around and up became down.
The turning of a key in a lock.
So in trying to fly to heaven I fell into hell.
The birds flew straight through the bars but I had to open the gate to get in.
Burning metal, enter at your own risk.
I wanted it so badly, I didn’t heed the warning.
It got terribly hot but I didn’t notice in the trail of the birds’ flapping wings.
They disappeared one by one until I realized I was surrounded by old parts of me encased in fire.
Parts I had owned before, parts that were cast away for safe keeping.
I was almost suffocating but I couldn’t leave them behind.
I scorched my hands prying them out of the flames.
I didn’t stop until they were all free.
Then I thought that’s it, I did it.
But I was feeling awful, so awful it didn’t make sense.
I took whatever I could find to try to make me feel better but I kept getting worse.
That’s when I noticed I was still lying on the ground of hell.
It finally caught up to me that I needed to get out of there.
I don’t remember how I did it, just that it took all my strength to close the gate behind me.
I’ve been catching my breath and mending my burns ever since.
Looking around, inside, above and under me to try to figure out what happens next.

3 thoughts on “The gates of hell

  1. This time I have no words. Just no words to answer what you have just written. Rain I wish I could just make everything go away and have your beautiful gift be joyous rather than tinged with so much pain.


    1. I wrote this post many months ago, and it’s fairly light compared to other ones I have yet to post. There has been a lot of pain this year. But as you said in your other comment, that I do feel pain is part of my super hero powers. Acknowledging it is how I become proud of myself again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah I see. But way to go to turn the negative into a positive. It is a crucial trait I believe and it can transcend the hurt and pain in time. I’m almost there after the divorce and it is liberating to feel just a little more whole again than I was a month ago, six months ago, etc. Little Victories.


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