If the sound of your reality does not reverberate on anything, how do you know for sure that your reality is real?
My official coming out about my project has yielded the grand total of zero conversations. I didn’t know what would come of it but I guess I wasn’t expecting nothing at all. I realized I was being naive when I thought I could upload my videos to the internet without being noticed. I guess I have to realize I was being even more naive to think I could tell everyone about it and that we would discuss it openly.
I can’t blame the people in my life for not being able to talk to me about my project. I wonder why I even needed to share it with them in the first place. Was it really an experiment to see what would happen? Did I just want to know what it meant in real life to compare it to what it had meant online? Was it to protect or to expose myself, to challenge or to impress others? I can’t even tell what my intentions were anymore.
I can’t help but notice the parallel with how my mental health challenges also exist in a vacuum. I have managed to create yet another experience to reinforce how I feel hidden and lonely. To confirm that when I try to reach out or open up, I do it in ways that increase my isolation. I have beautiful people as friends but how can they support me if I don’t know how to support myself, if I’m not even sure I should be supported at all?
Maybe it’s because I don’t spend enough time talking about what’s really going on. Maybe it’s because I don’t find the right words to explain that it matters to me.
I don’t think I can even tell what success is from failure. My perspective keeps shifting so fast, there’s no way I can hold on to any one way of looking at things.
It’s really hard to celebrate that I have made sexually explicit videos if I don’t acknowledge that the world I live in is repressive of sexuality. For that I would need to recognize that my world is not as open as it says it is.
It’s really hard to celebrate that I have kept myself alive this long if I don’t acknowledge that it was not a granted thing. For that I would need to recognize how much self destruction I’ve had to protect myself from.
Sexuality and mental health are probably the two most taboos subjects in our society still. They are also the only two things that interest me. Is that why it feels like I walk around in a glass bubble, tinking my hands on the shell when I try to talk? Inhaling the ways I keep myself apart before I can be rejected? Exhaling the pain of being right there without being able to touch it?
What if there was a way to discuss everything openly? What if it was our job to figure out how to discuss everything openly?
I have had the experience of people telling me what they appreciated about my project. I am forever grateful to those who have. It would be a dream now to have someone tell me to my face what is so wrong with my project that they can’t talk about it. Anything would be better than engulfing silence. What exactly are the lines I’ve crossed? What exactly is it that bothers, bores, angers, disgusts, indifferences you? I really wish someone knew how to articulate it for me. I really wish someone had the guts to tell me.