No videos

I have to address the lack of videos. Because they really were the essence here.

What if you can read Rain Robert but you can’t see her anymore, is she still Rain Robert?

Why is there no more videos? That’s the important, more subtle question. To which there is no straightforward answer. Making mistakes, not getting what I wanted, failing… Is that what propelled my future back into my past? Am I even in charge of my itinerary?

When I first started this blog to justify my actions, I spoke of a cloudier time I had overcome with said actions. Now I am again that cloudy version of myself which I had so proudly declared having moved on from. I have become but a newer version of an old me.

My body is my territory. Right now it is divulging the tug of war I’ve been playing with life and death, with surviving and self destructing. I wish I could create images that reclaim my body in this state, like others have known how to do, but I personally am not able to. My videos were not conceived in a place of unconditional self acceptance. They were a celebration of the brand new feeling of feeling new. They went away when my body stopped reflecting that back to me.

It’s really embarrassing to confess but I cannot save face and pretend my appearance isn’t the problem. Or at least, that the issue isn’t how I feel in how I look. How the heaviness and stretch lines and immobilization have converged to make me feel like I am old again.

The last six months, the last year and half, the last US election… It’s hard to tell when the falling apart began.

I lost it. I don’t even know what it was that I had. I just know I don’t have it anymore.

Love? Health? Safety?

It was the feeling of living inside my body. The enjoyment of my body not being overweight anymore. The joy of being turned on and alive in my body. Without that body, without me in that body, I don’t have the ability to make videos. It is that simple. It is that trite.

How did it happen? Shit. The ping ponging of mirrors facing one another. Situations triggering triggers, triggers triggering situations. My body protecting itself against getting re traumatized. Feeling re traumatized by my protecting body. Dissociating, shutting down, seeping further and further away.

I have spent so much time hating my body with a vengeance, the vengeance expressed as actively harming myself. My childhood and teenage hood felt like wasted years. It’s bad enough to not be fit. Feeling old when you are young is even worse. Like watching the sands of time run through your grasping fingers.

The drive I have felt to make my videos only makes sense when one realizes how much it meant to me to feel young. It was a revelation to experience my body this way. Pristine. Fresh. Full of possibilities. Experiencing what I used to look at from the outside. It’s not just creepy old men who drool at the sight of cheerleaders. I did too, back when I could have been one if life hadn’t turned my body into a battlefield of survival. And I guess I am again, as I try to remember how I managed to feel like one in that fleeting instant. If I hadn’t captured it on camera, I might have trouble believing it even happened for real.

5 thoughts on “No videos

  1. Hi Rain, Great to have you back. You should not feel bad about being away. This is your project and yours alone, you come and go whenever you want. Your own personal life and wellbeing is more important than anything else and you must put that first. Don’t feel pressured to please us, we just want to share what you feel comfortable sharing, that is enough for us.
    Your creation of Rain Robert is nothing short of epic. Setting up the very professional website is a marvellous achievement on it’s own, let alone the moving videos and writings. You should take pride in that.
    The response from your friends and family about your project, or rather lack of response, is not surprising. Don’t take it personally, I would guess that they are wary about passing comment for a number of reasons. One could be that your content is so unique that they are nervous about commenting in fear of betraying their own experiences and hang ups and exposing themselves to judgement. I would guess that secretly they admire your courage at sharing your feelings but they can never tell you without exposing themselves to potential questions about their own lives.
    As for your lack of videos because you feel unhappy about your body, I would tell you that every woman I have ever known has always hated some part of their body. And they were all wrong ! We are the greatest critics of ourselves and what we do. We have to realise that we are all human and we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect, it simply doesn’t exist. People looking in don’t only look at the exterior but at the whole package. Your personality compliments your body and vice versa. You are not old, believe me, and stretch marks and weight are only the outer casing of a soul. It’s the soul that matters above all else, surely. Your videos of the countryside around you and shadows and flowers were all lovely and you could do more of those if you don’t want to video your body. But, just so you know, I thought your body was lovely.
    Your talk of self-harm worries me. I am not a pscyciatrist ( I can’t even spell it !) but, in my eyes, I can see it solves nothing, does nothing good and is counter productive. Please seek help from someone if you are contemplating this. I am sure there are helplines in your country that you can ring to discuss emotions if you can’t afford professional assistance. Life can be beautiful, it won’t be perfect but it can be beautiful. Just don’t set the bar too high.
    You really should not feel lonely. You are in fact in a better position than most. You actually have, what can be, two totally separate lives, one as Rain and one as yourself. These can be separate or conjoined, enjoy living them both, they are both valuable gifts and should be cherished.
    All the best
    Tony

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for being encouraging on so many points, I really appreciate it. And I am followed by a therapist and have an emergency support network, but thank you for your concern. I don’t mean to worry anyone, I’m just using this space to express everything I feel. It’s part of my process : )

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  2. I can see now that this site, and expressing your feelings, is part of the process. That is good. You are very much valued and we love your work.

    Like

  3. In your sept 5 post I think, you spoke of the last election. I have had many ups and downs in my life as have the entire world population. One bit of advice I can give is, do NOT think about one thing you have no control over. The one thing you can control is your own happiness. Do that and do it now. Dont worry about age, it marches on every second. Be happy, there are only so many tomorrows.

    Like

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