Creating Rain Robert was one of the most exhilarating thing I have ever done. My videos were truly not made as objects to be consumed. They were captured moments of my soul in flight, spilling out of myself, transcending the envelop that usually contains it.
Channeling this energy was such a ride. I long for it still even though I don’t know how to let it inhabit me anymore. It was a time beyond the pale, when living in the forest by myself didn’t crush me but emboldened me instead. But how could I sustain that as the forces of my cultural script shook me up, as my need to fit in reawakened? Self-reliance confronted by the desire to belong. Can one really have both?
Of course part of the problem is that the “success” I encountered online changed making videos for their own sake into a means of pursuing this success. And then that mutated into a means of becoming a more acceptable person, since successful people are automatically more acceptable. But how crazy is that. No one in their right mind would ever argue that uploading orgasm videos to Pornhub is a sound way to pursue social acceptance.
How quickly contrary intentions and effects get convoluted into a bind. Something that makes perfect sense can easily lose all its meaning with one little shift in point of view. Just like that, you’re still looking at the exact same thing but you’re seeing something completely different.