Oh Rain Robert, where have you been? Post videos, post coming out, post posts, into a sense of rejection, of danger, of failure, past feeling my body, past being able to function, past knowing how to help myself…

I think Rain Robert is the name of my soul. That’s why I can’t drop it, even when I’m not doing it. Because it’s not a doing thing, it’s a being thing. That’s why I miss her. Because I miss me.

I see now how I have usurped my own identity to create hers, taking away my real name to make room for my real self.

There was a version of me that had not been allowed out before. She is how I freed her. Pleasure and pain are the language she speaks. But giving her a voice is not without consequences. Her existence into the world is confusing and threatening. Instead of celebrating the victory of her release, I got caught up in how she was being received. And just like that it took me back to not knowing how to be what I should be. And just like that that took me back to wondering if maybe I cannot be at all.

I keep searching for a viable pathway to let her be. Let me be. Because I hear the voice fading out. Please. Let me out. I am suffocating if I can’t come out. You are being strangled if you keep me in. A prisoner in my own self. I am a prisoner of my self. Both tyrant and martyr, executioner and victim. The question is, is this a tragedy or a drama, have the fates been appointed or are we in between acts?

One thought on “Drought

  1. I recently moved to Oregon where marijuana is legal for recreational use. I haven’t used the stuff in 6 years but, after a brief yet wonderful month on opiates after surgery, I got curious and took a trip to a local dispensary where I picked up a tin of mints. Have you ever experienced the (seemingly) eternally climbing high of accidentally eating too much marijuana? I sat in this room I’m renting while watching a physicist talk to Lex Fridman on YouTube about space and aliens and death while that “oh shit” moment happened of realizing this wasn’t going to be a mild and pleasant experience. Eventually the physicist began using the word “death” a few too many times for my liking so I shut it off and had to start playing a game to try to keep my mind occupied until things returned to “normal”.

    But a question plagued me from 6 years ago of “what is different when I’m high?”. The world around is completely the same, the physical appearance. Really the physical sensations weren’t too different either aside from maybe an increased awareness of them. But clearly something was very different like I wasn’t the same “me” as before. Labels for objects began to drop and, at one point, I saw the hanging light fixture in the room and was freaked out by it until I realized it looks like 2 sets of breasts. Anyway, I finally found an article that gave an in-depth philosophical answer about what changes when marijuana is ingested and among the changes listed was the difference between this “pure awareness”, as the author calls it, and “conscious awareness”. The former is a state where the person is totally aware of the experience but is not interpreting, thinking about, or manipulating anything. The latter is, of course, the addition of those things or as the author says, “… the sensory experience is connected to meanings, plans, functions, decisions, and possible actions.” This is the “normal” way of perceiving.

    So this brings the classic question: Is the “me” a soul, something nonphysical, that defines and solidifies how I act or is it more a set of behaviors that have been shaped by past experience and genetics? And depending on which view we take, wouldn’t that change whether or not there is a “self” to live up to? Can a soul leave the body yet still leave behind consciousness in the case of “pure awareness”? Well, there’s a whole other myriad of questions here.

    I suppose regardless there are those of us who are extremely sensitive and averse to failure and rejection. Okay, great, we know that some of us are like that and we know that some people aren’t. And we know that we’d like to be more like the people that aren’t but that’s pretty god damn hard. But then we’re told that the failures and rejections are more common than the successes so that really sucks too. What do we do then? What is the secret behind those that don’t get discouraged? Did they read all the latest self-help books? I’d say that’s pretty doubtful. Personally I lean more towards the view that “self” is less a matter of souls and more past experience and biology. And by that view, wouldn’t it be clear that aversion to failure was developed throughout life? Maybe there was little support from parents, teachers, or other adult figures. Maybe our mothers didn’t drink enough water when they were pregnant which for some reason causes it, who the hell knows. It is what it is though so, again, what do we do about it?

    Maybe we can ask, “what is failure?” because it’s not clear to me how failure is defined. Thomas Edison is famously quoted as saying something about not failing but finding however many ways NOT to create a light bulb. So here success would obviously be achieving the aim he set out for which is to create a light bulb. But what is failure then? If he found however many ways not to create a light bulb but it’s not failure, then what IS failure? I would guess it would have been giving up and dropping the whole endeavor.

    So how about in your case? What does success look like? Is it achieving so many views? Is it positive feedback? Is it rekindling a positive sense of self? Then what is failure? a) Is it not being noticed? Then why is that the case? Marketing? Poor quality? Great, any of those can be examined and improved. b) Is it receiving overwhelmingly negative attention? Okay, well why the hell is it so negative? Did you strike a hidden nerve in the viewers? Surely people wouldn’t take the time to dish out some justice unless they were affected in some way. Are you a despicable person trying to spread harmful ideas? There could be many causes. c) Is it caring too much about what other people think? Man, that’s an easy trap to fall into. After all, what are you if there aren’t other people perceiving you? In this way isn’t it fairly normal and okay to want attention? What good is anyone to one’s self or others if he/she lives in total isolation? What if the Buddha just kept his findings to himself? I’m not affiliated with Buddhism but it seems a more realistic example to use a dude sitting on a hill instead of Moses descending with the magical slabs. So should the line perhaps be drawn at wondering rather than worrying about what others think of you? After all, don’t you too think something of others? d) Is it death? That seems to me as a pretty obvious one depending on the circumstances.

    Okay, I typed out a lot more than I intended and I’m not sure I even addressed entirely what you said here. I know nothing about you and don’t want to draw any conclusions about you but still wanted to express some thoughts of my own that I felt might be related. I was drawn here after watching some of your videos and now am curious about many things.


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